We’ve all been there. You’re sitting across from Mr. Seemingly Perfect, trying to ignore that little voice in your head screaming “girl, what are you doing?” while he does something that makes your soul cringe.
Maybe you’re telling yourself it’s not that bad. Maybe your friends have heard you say “but he’s really sweet when…” one too many times.
Well, honey, grab your wine, because we need to talk about those relationship red flags that are more obvious than your ex’s spray tan (some of these were inspired by actual dating stories sent in by our followers on Facebook).
The Professional Paranoid
We all have our insecure moments, but if your man turns into the FBI every time you get a text notification, we’ve got problems.
You shouldn’t have to explain why you liked your coworker’s vacation pics from 2019 at 3 AM (we’ve all been down that Instagram rabbit hole).
When every friendly chat becomes an interrogation and every night out sparks a congressional hearing, you’re not in a relationship – you’re in a reality show called “CSI: Gay Dating.” And spoiler alert: nobody wins that show.
Mr. “Just Checking Grindr Real Quick”
Picture this: You’re mid-story about your crazy day at work, and homeboy is clearly swiping left and right under the table, phone glowing like a beacon of disrespect. (Yes, this happened to actual gay national treasure Troye Sivan, so don’t feel too bad if it’s happened to you.)
If he’s browsing the menu of local men while you’re still deciding between pasta and salmon, he’s telling you exactly where you rank on his priority list.
And spoiler alert: it’s somewhere between “random torso pic” and “guy who hasn’t updated his profile pic since 2018.”
The Closet Case
This one’s delicate, and yes, everyone’s coming out journey is different. But if you’re out and proud while your man introduces you as his “roommate” to everyone, including his dog, you need to decide if you’re ready for that journey.
Being someone’s dirty little secret might sound hot in a romance novel, but in real life, it’s about as fun as a root canal.
You’re not asking them to lead the Pride parade – but being able to hold hands at Trader Joe’s without them having a panic attack would be nice.
The “Glory Days” Guy
“You should have seen me when I was running the dance floor at Splash!” Honey, Splash closed in 2013.
If your date can recite their complete party boy résumé but can’t remember to text you back, they’re stuck in a time warp that even Madonna has moved on from.
It’s cute to reminisce, but if every conversation circles back to how they “used to be the moment” at clubs that are now luxury condos, they might not be ready for a present-day relationship.
Their head is so far in the past, they probably think Gaga’s “Just Dance” is still a new release.
The Service Industry Snob
If you’ve ever watched your date snap his fingers at a waiter like he’s summoning his butler, congratulations – you’ve just witnessed a preview of your future nightmare.
When someone treats service staff like they’re NPCs in their personal game of life, they’re showing you their truest self, and baby, it’s uglier than that shirt they swear was “designer.”
The way someone treats people they think are “beneath” them tells you everything you need to know about their character. And trust me, that attitude will eventually be directed at you.
The Empathy Void
Let’s talk about how your date acts when they pass someone homeless on the street. Do they suddenly become intensely fascinated with their phone? Make unnecessarily loud comments? Or worse, mock them?
Nobody’s asking you to empty your wallet every time, but basic human decency is free.
If they can’t spare a simple “sorry, not today” or even just an acknowledging nod, they’re telling you volumes about their capacity for compassion.
The Emotional Brick Wall
You: “My mom’s in the hospital, and I’m really scared.”
Him: “That sucks. Have you seen the new Taylor Swift video?”
Girl, no. If his emotional range goes from “whatever” to “meh” with a pit stop at “k,” you’re dating a chatbot with better hair.
Everyone processes feelings differently, but if he can’t show basic empathy when you’re having a genuine crisis, he’s not going to be there for you when you really need him.
You deserve someone who at least tries to understand and support you during tough times, not someone who changes the subject faster than a DJ at a circuit party.
The Self-Esteem Black Hole
“I’m not good enough for you” might sound romantic in the first week, but by month three, it’s exhausting enough to make you consider a career as a therapist.
If their self-worth is lower than the prices at a closing sale, and they’re not doing anything about it except using you as their emotional support animal, it’s time for some boundaries.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you definitely can’t fill someone else’s if they’re constantly punching holes in it.
The Digital Ghost
In 2024, having zero social media presence isn’t mysterious – it’s suspicious.
No Instagram? No Facebook? Not even a LinkedIn profile from their “professional phase”? Either they’re in witness protection, married, or they’re still using a flip phone because “it was good enough in 2005.”
Sure, some people avoid social media for mental health reasons, but if they can’t even show you a single digital footprint, they might be hiding more than their bad selfies.
And while not everyone needs to be a social media influencer, being completely untraceable online in this day and age often means someone’s hiding parts of their life.
Whether it’s a secret relationship, a sketchy past, or a completely different identity – there’s usually a reason why someone goes through the effort of being completely invisible online. After all, even your grandma has Facebook.
The Ex Enthusiast
If their ex’s name comes up more often than your own, or they keep daydreaming about him – Houston, we have a problem.
Whether they’re painting their ex as the antichrist or the second coming of Jesus, neither is healthy.
And if they’re somehow “best friends” with every ex but also swear each one was “totally psycho,” honey, I hate to break it to you, but you’re auditioning for a role in their next tragic backstory.
The only thing worse than being the rebound is being the rehearsal for the rebound.
And remember – the biggest red flag of all? It’s convincing yourself that you don’t deserve better than these red flags in designer clothing.