Welcome to another edition of “Things Straight People Say at Family Gatherings!” A game show where the questions are invasive, the comments are clueless, and the prize is maintaining your sanity while Aunt Linda tries to set you up with her hairdresser.
Ready to play? Here’s your cheat sheet for handling every delightfully problematic person you’re related to (plus a few bonus characters who somehow always show up).
1. Your Mom’s Church Friend, Barbara
The Character: Lives for gossip and thinks her weekly Bible study group makes her a theological scholar. Has definitely shown up wearing a bedazzled cross and a sweater with cats on it.
What she’ll say: “Have you found a nice church yet? Our pastor is very… accepting.”
Your answer: “I’m more into Sunday brunch – it’s like church, but with mimosas and better outfits.”
2. Grandma Rose
The Character: Watches Hallmark movies exclusively and still thinks Rock Hudson was “such a nice boy.”
What she’ll say: “The right girl just hasn’t come along yet! My friend Betty’s granddaughter is single…”
Your answer: “Actually, several right boys have come along. Want to see some photos? I’ve got quite the collection on my phone…”
3. Uncle Bob
The Character: Gets his news exclusively from angry men yelling on Fox News and thinks kale is a liberal conspiracy.
What he’ll say: “Is this just to rebel against traditional values?”
Your answer: “No, this is about being attracted to men. My rebellion is this tongue piercing you don’t know about, and what I do with it.”
4. Aunt Linda
The Character: Has started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and now considers herself a queer culture expert. Says “yasss queen” at inappropriate moments.
What she’ll say: “So which one of you is the woman in the relationship?”
Your answer: “We’re both men, Linda. That’s literally the whole point.”
5. Your Cousin Jessica’s New Husband
The Character: Peaked in high school football and still brings it up. Thinks having a gay friend would make him look “cultured.”
What he’ll say: “Bro, you should meet my gym trainer. He’s like… you know… like you.”
Your answer: “Sorry, we’re not actually Pokemon – you don’t have to collect us all.”
6. Your Sister’s Best Friend From College
The Character: Claims she “totally gets it” because she kissed a girl once at a Katy Perry concert.
What she’ll say: “OMG, you NEED to meet my hairdresser! He’s gay too!”
Your answer: “Sorry, the Gay Agenda keeps me too busy for blind dates. All these brunches to plan, pride parades to organize…”
7. Your Mom
The Character: Means well but reads too many Facebook posts from suburban moms about “alternative lifestyles.”
What she’ll say: “I just want grandchildren… and to know you won’t be alone…”
Your answer: “Mom, I’m gay, not incapable of reproduction. And trust me, I’m definitely not alone – ask my neighbors about the noise complaints.”
8. Your Dad
The Character: Still holds onto the dream of teaching his son to fix cars and hit on waitresses. Has evolved from complete denial to awkward acceptance, mostly expressed through sports metaphors.
What he’ll say: “Son, I’m trying to understand… but maybe you just haven’t met the right… uh… team to play for?”
Your answer: “Dad, I’ve picked my team, and trust me – I’m scoring more than you did at my age.”
9. Your Dad’s Golf Buddy, Richard
The Character: Thinks being gay is something that happens to other people’s kids and definitely not in his country club.
What he’ll say: “What a waste of good genes!”
Your answer: “These designer jeans? I know, right? But they make my butt look amazing.”
10. The Over Supportive Cousin Tyler
The Character: Self-appointed personal bodyguard at family gatherings. Hovers around you like a rainbow-clad helicopter parent. Has a “But Actually…” response locked and loaded for every family member who breathes in your direction. Somehow manages to make every conversation about how accepting HE is.
What he’ll say: [Jumping in before you can respond to Grandma] “ACTUALLY Aunt Linda, let me explain to you why that question is problematic! I’ve been doing a lot of reading about queer theory and…” *turns to you* “Don’t worry cuz, I got this one for you. Want me to show them that PowerPoint I made about heteronormative microaggressions?”
Your answer: “Tyler, sweetie, I love that you’re trying to be my gay Avenger, but I’ve been handling homophobic relatives since you were still wearing cargo shorts unironically. Maybe go practice your allyship on your Instagram stories?”
11. The Closeted Cousin Marcus
The Character: Overcompensates with an aggressively straight persona that would make a WWE wrestler blush. Has “studied abroad” three times but never seems to have any photos with women. His Instagram is suspiciously full of shirtless gym selfies with his “workout buddy” Brad.
What he’ll say: [After his third cocktail, cornering you in the kitchen] “So like… how did you know? I mean, asking for a friend. Also, what’s the deal with those gay bars downtown? Like, which ones specifically should people avoid? And what time do they get busy? Just so I know where NOT to go…”
Your answer: “Honey, I know a great coffee place downtown where we can discuss your… academic interest in the local nightlife. And maybe why you keep ‘accidentally’ liking three-year-old Instagram posts of the water polo team at 2am.”
The Bottom Line
Remember: Timing is everything. Start with the milder comebacks early in the day, and save the spicier ones for after everyone’s had a few drinks.
And always keep your keys handy – sometimes the best response is a perfectly timed exit accompanied by “Would love to stay and chat, but my gay agenda is packed today!”